A Honest Heart For God

Koo Chung -- Better Be You [1]

The dirt in this place has filled my eyes
And I can't see, no I can't see a thing
Perhaps this next step will take me home
Or for all I know, lead me to certain death

Pretty Sunday, wooden pews
Word of God, healing for my soul
Friday night, rusty park bench
Laughter and addictions for my pain

Cause I don't know who's winning this tug of war
But it better be You, it better be You
For heaven's sake, my heart's about to rip in two
So it better be You, it better be You

Sometimes I don't know why You would fight
Take battle scars and waste Your angels on me
Cause when you ask me if I love You
In all I do, at best I say "I don't know"*

Tonight I pray, tonight I cry
For kindred souls, souls that have starved like mine
And so I sing, and so I shout
So we might give and sing our hearts out to You!

Cause I don't know who's winning this tug of war
So let it be You, let it be You
For heaven's sake, my heart's about to rip in two
So let it be You, let it be You

---

This is my favourite song. I've downloaded it (legally) from a site which no longer appear. They provide some sample, downloadable music. Too bad, at that time Pay Pal don't exists here in Indonesia and I can't find the album here in Indonesia, yet. Anyway, this song is a REAL song about my life, probably yours also, in God. So, I would like to illustrate the song and my perception of the song. Here we go:

Everyday is a battle between good and evil. Between I versus myself, my existence versus my need, my royalty versus my cast. All intertwinned making cross path along my sense. The verse part that I like is the part of when God asked me if I really loved Him and the answer was I don't know.

Yes, I don't know if I REALLY love God. That's the honest thing. Yes, I do believe to put my life devoted to God. Yes, I do believe that I wish to stand in awe give Him praise. But, do these things really reflect me?

Do I really believe in God? Am I only believe there exists God because I was told so, because I was convinced so? Am I only put Him as an ecstasy to life? To give reasoning of something that out of my hand? Or, am I using God's existence as an escape goat?

I mean, come on, people, have anyone of us seen God?

In the pledge of war, alligiance to God is something to be confused. Which God is right? There are so many gods out there. Religion doesn't solve anything, it even become one of the roots of problems that this world facing. Every religion have their corrupted parts.

Where is God when they start a war? Where is God when people use women and children to detonate? Where is God when they send armies of nations to attack other nation just because of oil? Where is God when people try to justified their actions based on the scripture?

And where is God when my heart goes into pieces?

I know I am sceptical, but deep inside of me I want to believe that there really exist God and all of these have explanation. As I go deeper to hear my heart, I found that the world's problem is nothing than the mere reasons to start blaming God for what my life. This is not about the great evil. But, this is about me in the start. WHAT AM I DOING?

As I walk, I become more and more skeptical. My harsh environment even never give me the time to judge, or better, to evaluate of what God would really say. I AM THE ONE WHO NEGLECTED HIM FROM THE START.

At first, it was because of my disappointment. Yet, it grew every day and night as I walked this life and had more scars. Somewhere in a day where the wound  is too deep and painful, I began to lose faith and put off my senses.

This was my wrong doing, to let me choose to blame everything to God. In this my version of a rusty park bench, I began to acknowledge the pain inside. In the brokenness, I confessed that I was wrong! God do really talks to me. He answered.

Maybe, just maybe, at the time I was stubborn enough to be told. I was put a great protection against anyone, including God. I barricade my heart and knowledge to stop God interfering. I was never trusted God; to listen his word and obey Him.

[1] taken from http://www.sweetslyrics.com/342694.Koo%20Chung%20-%20Better%20Be%20You.html