The most missed button in life.
On a twilight an angel pray on her knees told God, asking why she as she is. I am not hot. I am not that interesting. I don't have nothing.

All these years, the angel only lived on a twilight. It was an infinite room of people glowing. So often she swayed by the golden dim of others that she beginning to cling into them.

I wish for that angel to tell her that she already glow beautifully.

Hi, angel, do you hear me?

Not a slender body nor a finest Spain guitar.
Not a A, B, C, nor D.
Not smart nor clumsy.
Not independent nor helpless.

It's just you.

I won't link you to the original problem of this post. The toddler incident in China is very disturbing even for me. Some of you might have known the issue some aren't. But, let me remind you that it was not for the weak heart.

Jakarta also has its own problem. We are instructed by government not to give anything to any beggar. This act of mercy is punishable by law.

The government argue that this is to reduce people who choose to beg instead of working honestly. There is a significant increase of beggar in Jakarta. The pay is better than that you work as a worker farmer.

But, this half-baked decision lead into another problem. Each day people are getting cruel. One day at a time one of their hearts beginning to cease. One day at a time, they are forced to see this kind of injustice as something usual.

Each day, human relations wither. Unnoticed. Until one day we beginning to feel that there is something missing in our lives. Rampaging to get through from this indescribable mourn. Since when did we becoming alone in this millions of people?

Sad. This is sad, indeed. Modern people learn how to be a leader among themselves. Yet, they failed to be leader of their own value; a human being.
I was going to write this on my other blog. But, then I realized this was a controversial topic. After two unfinished drafts, I've decided to write here instead.

I was interested in one of Tempo Interaktif's story about Indonesian Jews. The story is neutral. But, the last two paragraph is out of proportion. Here's what I quote

Namun, sekarang komunitas Yahudi mulai bangkit dengan berdirinya menorah raksasa dan dua sinagoge di kota Manado dan Tondano, Sulawesi Utara. Kelompok ini dipimpin oleh Rabbi Yaakov Baruch. “Kami berupaya menjadi Yahudi yang baik,” kata Rabbi Yaakov.

Menorah ini juga menjadi lambang dari Mossad (dinas rahasia luar negeri Israel).
My English translation is something like this:
But, now the Jew community have risen with the giant menorah built and two sinagoges in Manado and Tondano city, North Sulawesi. This group lead by Rabbi Yaakov Baruch. "We are doing to be a good Jew," said Rabbi Yaakov

Menorah is also the symbol of Mossad (Israeli secret service).


This is really provocative and really made a propaganda. I resent much that this happens in a media that I respect, Tempo Interaktif.

This is like telling that the Moslem have built mosque on Papua. The mosque have star and moon.  And on the next paragraph you tell your viewer that Al Qaidah have star and moon symbol also. This is like you tell that Christian people build a cross and then the next paragraph you tell that Klu Klux Klan also have a cross as their sign.

Did you want us to relate that Moslem people are on the rise because of the terrorism? Did you want us to jump into conclusion that Christians are skin head haters?

I know that journalist is there to put the whole truth. But, these are really two unrelated topics. Do you want to nurture people to have jumping conclusion? To give a sense of notion some kind of conspiration is going there?

Don't give me blatant crap like you are not purposely giving this perversion. If you want to have explain about Menorah, why don't you explain of it as a candle holder in the Jews temple. The candle was a sign of twelve tribes of Israel. And by the way, you are trying to write an Indonesian community. How on earth suddenly you relate that into another country's secret service?

If we have to ever forced to  start a civil war right in the future, I'll shoot or encourage people to shoot all of the journalists first. They are the one who brought it themselves. They've provoke us. They uneducated us instead of making a message of peace.

Is Kode Etik Jurnalistik Wartawan Indonesia just a crap made from the past now?

I still believe in Tempo. I know Gunawan Muhammad have stood for diversity in our country. But, I am angry right now about this. An anger out of fear that Tempo would have stained with the purported people whom would love to write about sensational stories.


True. Dad is a man of many hard feelings and unsettled dreams too. Trying to be good in his own way.

They were raised to take the responsibillity himself. He did not want to make his children and wife cry. He'll stood the pain by himself. That's the way of how a man do, said the world. So, even though he has a broken wing and heart shattered apart, he stood the test and willing to be the best he can be.

Man should be silence and do action, said old teaching of the world. He shall not open his mouth too often. The world taught him that praising your child will made your child weak. He praise little to none. He only complains. Critics will made your child healthy, said the world. You don't want your child screwed and dependent, won't you?

We should work, our work will make our child into the best school. Best school ensures our child future. What can you give your child if you are lazy, provoked the world. All Dad wants is to have his child the best. He take the job into the night and wake up first in the morning.

Dad beat his child to discipline the child. Look, you are tough now, said the world. He beat his child so the child would be best. Oh, no, this uncontrolled beast like the devilishu spell making me mad, said him. Too late, his family already hate him.

They don't give a chance for him to change. No, even himself is not strong enough to change. He could only wish on his sober that he isn't him. Dad is a human trying to be the best of himself.

As any other human, Dad wounded from the past. People will only look at him of his role as Dad. Seldom people sees that he is a human that needs help too.

Well, some Dad ended up alone, in a shelter for broken people or toyed around by his child and grandchild. Only crying and not much he can do but wishing the time would come to take him away to his eternal slumber.

Have the child ever hugged back Dad and tell him loved him, too?

Why people lie?

Why they pretend that they were at a certain point when they weren't even there yet? Don't that made people go easy on their faults and not learning from them?

I have experimented that when I told people my location, they just fine with that. When I was in a street few miles from the appointed area, there is nothing that could change a fact that I was late. Furthermore, by incorporating my point, sometimes the people themselves would make a new rendezvous location shorter.

So, why would we as a religious people sinned over such trivial matter?

Why would people lie?

Don't you ever felt those lies hurt you? Have you ever asked in the mirror who's that person? Don't you lie also to yourself? Isn't it made a heavy burden to your life? Don't you feel that you are beginning to have less choices of life. In fact, to keep your lying as consistent as possible, you are bound to tell more lies.

Tell the truth is the best outcome of life. Sometimes, when you are already in the deep hole, you wished you would be in the next life or new one. Instead, you are stuck in the hole. Facing them one by one is hard, but we got to try.

I know, I am making an irresponsible statement. So, disclaimer, yes, I have made myself as earnest as possible. Funny thing about that, even when you are earnest, people are looking suspicious about you.

I mean, come on, rationalize a bit. I have my own job and a steady income. And on several occasion I have said about the sad state of my heart (which is heartless). Why would people think I am there for the money? Why would people (usually opposite gender) think that I would do it to win their heart?

Anyway, back to the topic.

We make mistakes. That's the common thing. Sometimes we forget about that and applying to be perfect.

What's wrong with being imperfect?

It's a boring world if you have everything as expected. I mean, what's a life

worth when everything happens as expected? The game is boring and you felt that you would hit the power button and expecting having another disk. But, this game of life is the only thing we know.

To be perfect is a flaw. It sever the bonds between the perfect being with others. Made him/her alone.

Nobody's perfect, so why lie?
I see an alarming trend of posting something shaky mind (labil). I would like to be able to participate in the trend. But, what should I tell? I hope this is quite labil.

I am a man born from families of two worlds. My mother was born in a wealthy family. OTOH, my father was a missionary son. So, I have a glimpse of both world.

I often got invited by them to go to some restaurants. I love them, they are flamboyant. They love to dress casually, so casually that we often misunderstood as poor people. Well, I am but not them, ha... ha... ha....

There was a time in a restaurant when the waiter said something rude to us because of our clothes. I felt very insulted that crossed on my mind: "Is this the country that I need to serve and protect?"

I mean, won't you felt insulted when you were entering a restaurant and suddenly the waiter told your family, "Sir, our meal costs one million rupiah." WTH? Did he think we would blindly coming into the place without knowing the price?

At that day I almost abandoned open source and kiss good bye to maintain KAMBING. I felt very humiliated. So humiliated that I thought, why would I struggle for these stupid people that only took everything for granted. Yeah, those people whom only felt the benefit but not knowingly having those because of other is struggling for them.

I knew my mind playing tricks on me. There are people whom have superior things done that made open source great in Indonesia. I have only a tiny fraction contribution in it if compared with them.

I mean, there is Pak Ibam, my hero, whom founded TLD-ID, KAMBING and the author of IPv6 roadmap document (The long winding road). There is Iang, a magical baby whom codes like speaks (or is it the way around?). There is also Adin, whom organized all the open source activity under KAMBING and making it sustainable.

Who am I compared to them?

For me, open source is always a work of community. I even think that KAMBING is a work of a team.  But, the insult was making my ego taking over me. My bigotry had possessed my mind.

In my assertion of the failure of my ego I learned something. Ego grown from the result of insecurity. This insecurity is something happened as an alarm when your existence is being endangered.

I felt insecurity because I have made my decision to walk a path that no one would take. This insecurity feeling also amplified by the feeling of a third class citizens. At that time, there were news about Christians getting abused. This insecurity feeling piled from time to time and this incident is making it worse.

Anyway, my flamboyant uncle answered, "I can order two million rupiah, can't I?"

Ha... ha... ha... He's the man! :) He knew how to handle the situation. Everyone was quieted down. I think everyone of us were struggling to not going berserk. Fortunately, it was Sunday.

And after that we were served in the table. The owner (or may be the manager?) comes from table to table and asking about how's our meal. He is so well mannered and have a good tone. I wish the waiter could be like him, the restaurant could have been perfect. His way of communication soothed my anger.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with some people in this town. But, don't a respect is a kind of thing that you would have? Especially when you are in the service business?

I mean, I don't mind if I was not accepted in a restaurant requiring formal attire. They want to maintain integrity that not having people with non-formal attire to go in. That's fine and I would gladly accept the reason. If they would politely tell that, I am fine.

I value people.

I have always put people in my serving as kings and queens. The first reason is because Christian teaching require the subjects to do so.

The second reason is the most important one.

There are people whom made a foolish decision of coming back home to Indonesia and served the country. There are people whom choosing the thorny path to make things right. There are people still dreaming of Indonesia and making it better.

These people are often shadowed by butt-licking, corrupted people. They are transient for common people. Their work credits often stolen by others with sharp tongues.  As humans, they also have one common need: having a luxury of acknowledgement.

You see, I have seen these kind of people walking in and out. They were humble. They aren't pushy. They respect other people.

Unfortunately, people often abuse those respects. For instance, they would still stand in the line while people cutting them.

That's why when I served people, I paid attention to respect them. You never know that, may be, this person here that you were serving is struggling for making an economic framework for farmers, instead of using his ability for forecasting.

May be this vintage, geeky, retro middle aged person that I'm trying to serve is a person whom struggled with studying marine lives for conserving fishermen lives. Or, may be this one is really having integrity to have his/her students excel.

They were doing their works so much that they might abandoned their own needs. They might be ramming through the barrier without ever considering the burning arrows from sides.

These people, I have committed to have them comforted. I wish to provide them with the best damn quality that we could serve. That's my pride.

I know I often argued with my comrades about how things should be done because of that. Still, I will not give up easily for them.

There you have it. My positioning in life as an idealist whom supports idealists.


Anyway, I feel shy to write those above. I don't like to write about anything about my idealism. It feels like I am about to end the journey. This kind of writing should be there in 50 years later of my life.

How can those ababils could write their lives so easily?