Traits

It's hard sometimes to be a Bataknese and a computer enthusiast. There are pluses and minuses to have these traits. Sometimes, people misunderstands.

My Batak face makes me safe in my journey. It seems that many won't dare make a eye contact with me. I guess that made my journey enjoyable because nobody dare to get my nerve. Some bad people also seems get this idea that I have something in my sleeve that they think it would be wise to not barge my day.

But, this trait has a flaw, normal people also afraid to start a talk with me. I have to put a smile to make my face not frightening. Sometimes I can't smile and people would feel intimidated. I have to live up with it that I am scary without the smile.

The second trait is a Computer enthusiast or known as geek -- though I am deliberately not using this term because it's known fact that geek, like hacker, had shifted from the original meaning. Nowadays, hipsters that can use vintage effect and gadgets always call themselves that.

Anyway, as a Computer enthusiast, I often spend my time in front of monitors for hours (more than 10 hours a day). Luckily, I don't need glasses because I have a good vision (carrot juice and sleep with light turned off indeed play a big role in relaxing my vision). That curiosity sometimes have its downfall. Sometimes, I have few steps ahead and have to wait for people to catch up.

Anyway, being too long in front of monitors makes my eyes red and my face swollen. Because of that, my face looks like a junkie. This adds effect to my ethnic trait and making some people scared.

I don't mind. People are always judge other people from their looks. That's the common thing. They would make a great judgement or they just sink low, I don't really mind that much.

Why bother? They won't be a part of my life other than a mere decoration. You know, like a movie where we need people to fill in so that the movie have more moving parts.

Besides, if everybody knows who I really am, bad people would start to convince themselves that I am not a lone wolf. They would start targeting me. If that happens, I couldn't carelessly show my laptop in public places. Wow, what is a life meant if you disconnected from Internet more than two hours? (a lot, I know, this is just a joke)

Being a Computer enthusiast also have a bigger flaw: lack of common sense. This especially makes one becomes socially alienated. How should I talk to people? Is this joke okay? Are they getting interested with my topic? What if I blurt out and hurt them?

Some questions make one getting nervous. That's why I do sometimes feel myself trying to distant myself from other people. Well, this trait can be overcome. At least I try my best not to do that, especially making that akward silence and making people think I don't interested in their talk.

I see how socialites make their moves. They have this face gestures, a small change in face and a smile. Compare that when I look into the mirror. I would found myself as a robot, emotionless and no emphasis. Or, sometimes like a person ready to punch your face. Ha... ha... ha....

But, all of that bad traits doesn't make me lonely. A subset of people accept me for who I am. At least they don't try to show their frightened face. And to this subset of people, that called friends, I hold them dearly. This subset of people that really matters to me.

I often getting anxious in parties, especially in a grand place. I don't like to be there, but I have to go there sometimes because it is a wedding party of a person from the subset of caring people. And when I'm in that place, usually I've found a subset of other caring people. Plus, I like it that often they call me first to join them.

That's soothing. A lot of people don't have the composure when they are placed in a crowd of people in an extremely different environment. I am one of them. The anxiety would makes me stand still and trying to go away from the place. And when a person asked me in, that's like entering a safe house.

A subset of people. That's what matters to me. As a human, that's the capability granted to me. I can't have all people love me just the way I am. But, there are people that understand these traits.

So, although it hurts when some people ditching me out, I won't ditch the whole humanity. This is because there is a subset of it that truly cared for me. And to this subset of people, once again I write this, I hold them dearly.