Every time I, if not all of us, think of ego, we would see it as something stands between us and progress. A man died on a movie, a lover turned down and a family broken apart. I can pick many examples of how it had successfully killed relationships.
Then, I asked myself, "why God implemented ego in human?"
As I walked down toward a heavy road of life, I can see why He did that. It wasn't because He was playing with the devil that he implemented that part so human can become a Pandora box. It wasn't about the start of becoming light so human can kill that ego.
Ego wasn't part of the test in the very beginning. It was supposed to be a defensive mechanism. A part that should made you strong.
Few days ago I confessed to my gathering, I am beginning to waver. I have been weakened over and over. There are times when I asked myself, "have I chose the right thing?"
It's not that I don't need money. It's not that I don't want a big house nor car to drive. I need a future where I could stand firm. But, those are things are the thing that I could only dream of because of my current way of living. Or, that was the thing that almost all of near me telling me to.
But then, a part of my family confessed, "at first, I was like everyone else. How could you put away your life and have an idealistic life? But, now I can see how it is. I think you should continue to your dream and I am rooting for you."
What? Wait, what?
She was the most that would nagged me to change my job and stopped me from doing things like I am doing until now. It was a comfortable statement that truly made my life anew. I was right and thankfully someone understands my way of doing things. This kind of thing strengthened me.
It's hard to explain people that we are connected somehow. What we do here would affects people in other part of the world. It's hard to tell people that the terrorists throwing bomb is one of the results from a chain of reactions. There are series of events before someone at your door robs your house and killed your kitten.
Nobody cares about homeostatic even though the weather changed dramatically. Few would care throwing trash in trash can. It is almost impossible to ensure that even if we did that the trash would be recycled. Heck, nobody even bitching about public transportation as solution as we are fond to buy these cars.
Living in this kind of society... how can I explain that if we don't do something about it, someday it would be backfired to us?
It seems nobody cares if they have rot their soul. Many people are mesmerized by the dreams of having big houses, cars and many things. Sometimes I wish to ask them these:
"If a big house is a dream, why the owner living most of his/her lives out from there?"
"If money is the thing that could make people happy, why many people want an escapist story for their lives?"
"If cars are the thing we needed for faster transportation, why we spent most of our lives on the streets?"
But, I know these questions are not something they would ask. For people whom carved for it, they won't get it. For people whom already have it, it's too late; they already spent most of their time for it.
There are things more than an ordinary kind of life; life chasing dreams, life living to the fullest and a life of caring others.
This is where ego is important. To think that I am right is what makes me able to continue this lifetime effort. To have a privilege of saying, "see what did I tell you," is like winning the award. Being superior for once a while would boost morale on this ongoing war inside our hearts. It heals our inferiority complex.
Chasing a lifetime dream is hard. Bigger dreams require bigger endurance. Setting up start ups, chasing a new postulate and changing people. They are not something we could achieve in a year or two. Constant battle against inner self and people misunderstood us for something else.
A little dose of ego is needed to keep us in check with our dreams. In fact, we need it the most. But, be sure that the ego is not leaking to other part.
As I see a homeless child in the night sleeping outside, I kept these words to myself, "Lord, I want to be able to sleep with my humanity intact. And knowing that I have done whatever I can to make these people have a choice to have a better life."
Because giving blanket would not answer to the question, "why are they poor?" Doing something to improve our society is the answer. To be a part of society and giving back is the best insurance that we are not robbed out of houses someday.
Such a big dream that seems impossible for me. True! But, I believe in Matthew 5:13. I may be small, but I have a Great God who looks after my life. And I try my best to believe in this God. It makes me think that I am someone special.
I know this ego is something that makes me keep going on. That's why, even this part of me looks like a barrier for me, I am learning to accept it and use it for something positive.