I know that to hate is the option that we have when we are in pain. It seems the easiest medicine to swallow. But, what is hate?

To be fair, I want to have this hate for myself. I need to understand myself about this hate before I say something about it. So, I have these past few months to experiment with having hate towards something.

To make it interesting, I made the object of hate from something reasonable to hate. So, I chose to hate our SDM (human resource department). The reason for hating SDM is simply easy:
  1. They are arrogant bitches that think we, the worker, are dispensable goods.
  2. They cut down our salaries like it was nothing and lie about things.
  3. They don't listen to our saying.

In the first weeks of my trying to hate them, I had difficulties. Why would we hate? Why would we bother to have one in our transient memory? Why would I hurt myself?

But, then, I related myself to other friend. Wow, the hate became easy. I guess there is a type of hate because we sympathize with the other. We hate something because of the circumstances of other. For my case, it was the gate for me to hate.

Wow, suddenly, I felt the urge to curse them. I wanted to curse the people who put them in that position. I wanted to kill their political image and made them down at the bottom. It was easy to make them crawl. With anonymity of the Internet, rumors and few real information details, we could put down some lives.... >:)

Although this hate is enjoyable, I had my productivity bar at the lowest. I didn't work well anymore. I reckoned that at the last few months, I didn't do something that I love to do: INNOVATE! All I have done was watching the clock mounted on the wall as it would go for 04:00 PM and trying to look busy.

In the past, I would never talked bad about people. Even the baddest person would have their goodness. But, in this corporal hate, it was easy to talk about SDM and their bad deed. Then, the talk spread to talk about other officials bad deeds. Then, the talk spread to the bad deeds this nation hate. Suddenly, it was natural for me to talk bad about others.

The most frightening feature of hating is that it spread to other things as well. My other life were also affected. I don't feel the excitement of making music. I don't like to have church life. I too trying to see people mistakes.

Suddenly, I had a life where I would count anything. I checked my balance, something that I never did in the past. I was getting to be a kind person that counted what were people given and they would gave back to me. Thinking that I would be a fool to be just someone that getting used by others.

I lost myself.

All of these things happened in my experiment goes into one conclusion: To hate is to have self-destruct!

I have to let go of this hate or else I would be gone.

As I thought, the hate is like using drug. It is not that the hate is something that you would let go. The sober feeling is making you feel like you are the worst person on the earth. And when you try to stop hating, just like drug addicts, you would feel something inside you rebelled against you. The urge, or feeling high, is making you can't stop.

Well, to me the healing is an easy process. Just remember what Jesus did in the Calvary and, BAM!, the hate is gone. But, that kind of defeat the process of healing because not all can relate themselves to that. Besides, I know that this is an experiment and I can zap the feeling of that because I decide to not relate myself with it.

Those two combinations are too strong and like that's the ending without any process. Just like a zombie movie and the first minute of the film, alpha zombie were killed in ground zero. The next ninety minutes the film would be romance comedy.

So, I got another route to take. The principal is the same. To have hate disappear is to forgive. But, the problem of giving forgiveness is the forgiveness itself. What kind of forgiveness?

With that question in mind, I assess the hate within me and other people hate.

#1 Hate is a shout of needing

When we in the hate state, there is this urge of making other people suffer. This is normal. We don't hate people that are stranger. We hate people that are something to us.

By understanding this, I found out that I want someone, not particularly the person I hate, to understand me. I want someone else take this pain of getting my hope crushed. I want to have someone that I can trust again.

The problem is, my self-defense system is countering the thought. That's why in my inner there is this battle that make things paradox. In a romance saying: "there is this part of me to have someone, but there is this part of me that don't want to be hurt anymore"

So, to be healed, we must stop the defensive system. The principle to stop the defensive system is to force yourself to trust.

Some realize that it's okay to be hurt. Just like start ups that would stumble on many business plan until they would have one that succeed. To have the ultimate person that you could trust is like investing your life on many person (read: business plans) until there is someone that met your demand. You would have a ROI (Return of Investment) and more.

Well, you get the idea.

#2 Hate is a failed attempt of escape

There was this plan of me and then they ruined it. I didn't want to face it. No, I choose to not to face it. It was their fault; it was their fault; indeed, that was their fault!

When we have plans that don't go accordingly, we would have our lives threatened. Our existences and their continuity would be put in question. Nobody wants that. Thus, anxiety sprouts.

When I studied Project Management, the professor said: "There is nothing certain than the uncertainty itself." Nobody would know what the future holds. That's why, the management is actually an attempt to accept what would possibly happens.

Acceptance is the key here. By acceptance our failure on relationships, trusts and any other things we can take the next step: move forward.

Like the first attempt, there is also a risk that we could get from the next attempt. But, rest assure, the failed attempts are there so that we could assess the risk and making mitigation plan.

But be careful! Don't let the mitigation plan ruins us. Plan that involve distrust would only aggravating the risk of being failed again. As we want to be trust, others also want that. By creating gap, we'll only risk the new relationship.

#All in All

Forgiveness is the path we should take to move forward. Forgiving that we don't talk about it as a burden. Forgiving means we are not encumbered again. It's not about the money amount we lost, the pain we had nor the lost we had but the smile we would have. Don't you think being happy is what the course of life should be?

Many people would let their w0rld crumble and pity themselves. Many would ended up cursing at something. Through time, their flame worn out and they are only left with lifeless life.

Words have power. It has a power to command consciousness. Consciousness can change the environment. Thus, the universe is rippled.

Choose your words carefully. Every words that may draws negative or positive energy. Words are how the consciousness perceive the world.

When you stepped over a shit, it would naturally categorize as fucked up. But, how's this? Your shit gives you reason to change shoes. It makes you wanted to be in another shoe. When your shoe splatted with those, there may be real friends that show the true friendship by lending you his/her snicker or suggesting or taking you to the nearest pool. The best of it, you may learn to walk not in naivety but more alert at what on the ground.

When things goes bad and the rhyme on our heart start saying the sad state, read the words backward! Fun is that way! Don't torture yourself.

I'm an environmentalist, or trying to be, since I've found out about ecological homeostatis. In my 3rd senior year, through a supplementary Biology class, I've found out that our land is connected with other part of the world. Furthermore, our tropical rain forest is the belt that creates earth's oxygen.

Since the dawn of industrialism, earth is scavanged and that makes enviromental problems. We have polluted air, radical climate change and the most crucial is greenhouse effect. As we grow greedy, many resources become exhausted and scarce. We have to stop this!

Like other envinromentalist, I think the best solution is to stop the radical change of man. We should not let countries to advance that rapid. Don't let them repeat the same mistake of having this life like us.

However, how many of us have the ability to endure pain?

Imagine of people that having less than $2 expense. Imagine of how people had their children died of hunger. Imagine of people that have to walk miles away just to have water. Imagine of those whose dream are to have better lives like in the cinema.

We have water at dispenser. We have educations. We have convenience store of everything. Sure, that's something that not for free. But, we made others also paying the price.

Why because of our conscious of the wrong doing making people not to have it?

We know we are wrong. We not let people to do the same path. But, we don't change. Isn't it just an act of exclusivity? We don't have the right to stop people from advancing.

But, I think, to have people restrained is not bad. You restrain yourself from killing your cheating girlfriend because you believe she would change. You restrain yourself from eating too much so you can achieve a record in track field. Restrained is also form of freedom if and only if people choose it.

To have them restrained is to let them know that the freedom of what their doing is actually like a sheep headed to butchery. That's not a good sight and I think our job as a man of freedom is to free them from it. But, is this the best thing?

Now, I don't know if I write right. My mind is faster than the hand. From this part is the thing that I want to say.

I know that many people from Irian Jaya (Papua, Papua Barat) wants their freedom. I don't think there is something wrong from it. I mean, look at them, years of excavations by Freeport and they still left behind from civilization.

My environmentalist mind may defend it by saying. Hey, if they were like Java, they would lost their paradise. The bastard me!

Our church have ministries in Papua. One of the pastor told us a story about how women with rotten flesh walked. They don't have doctors to disinfect them. Many people are alcoholic and he told us that a fellow pastor's wive almost got raped by those delinquent.

They need sanitation, doctors and education! They need infrastructures to have better lives. They need advancement. They deserve to have an option to be like us.

Still, I don't think Papua as a new nation is not right. I'm not talking about Indonesia, the country I love, and that I am part of it. But, I'm talking about humanity. Papua is not ready for their own government. They could fall for civil wars.

On that land, many spiritual leaders have their influence.

This is bad. Religion is cursed. Many spiritual leaders could separated just because of money and power. And their religious zealots would walk the bloody path as if it is for heaven.

But, then again, who am I to forbid them to have independence? Who am I that have facilities bitching about nationality to those that rot on the street? Who am I putting finger on mischievous people when I have everything that I need?

I was about to say rot on the sewer but then again they don't have that kind of facility.

But, then again, if we bother so much about nationality, why not help them as our brethren to have better lives?

After this you may find me arrogance, but I don't know how to write better illustration. I just write my own experience to say this point:

"If you want to bitch, be ready to fix them too"

Like many, I bitch about our government; about the best thing that left only for the rich; about the inequality; about how laws are not kept. Then there is this illustration that God draws from me.

One day a fellow neighbor talked to me. We haven't spoke before and I didn't have social. We were using a Mikrolet. We were on the front row. I was talking with the driver about corruption and stuff like that. The driver then cursed all of the government officials. My neighbor kept silence. He was hurt, I think, because he was a government official. Then, the car trespassed a red light. Then my neighbor complained the driver to me of having double standard with cold tone.

We bitched about our lives. We, like the driver, bitched about how corrupt this country. But, none of us had the balls to have Jihad/holy war against it with becoming a rightful official. Who could stand underpaid and low respect life?

Don't bitch if you don't have the ball to pull the trigger of change.

What I discovered, however, was that people that become a trigger of change don't bitch. Instead, they have compassion on people whom disabled. I think, they don't bitch about it because they understand about the pain those people were going through.

The reason why I respect Malaysia and didn't call them thieve is because we didn't realize about our culture. A group of people from Java wanted having a better life and wanted to preserve their culture on the foreign land. Not many Indonesian even have dignities on our own culture at that time. Those children of Ponorogo just needed to survive. So, they did Reog there.

We didn't preserve our culture at that time. We had let the culture died a painful slow death. Did we have a right to bitch?

People want a better lives and their lives are contradicting with our idealism. We don't have a right to stop them if we don't have a solution for their suffering. We are stripped of our right if the solution is against their consciences.

I like this part of open source project which applied also to life:

If something is wrong, why not fix it instead of bitching about it? You have the tools, it's open for you. You have the source. You could compile it and modify it how ever you like. If you have not the resolve, just watch the bugzilla and wait until another people fix it for you.

To watch the bugzilla of an open bug is scary, especially when the bug affects us. Just live with it. Because, if we bitch, instead of making the developer happy, we only making it worst by making them walk away from the project.


So, this is the final Equality is Scary series that I would love to write. This writing was inspired by backgrounds on Ai-Ren. These three parts were a big writing that I decided to separate it into three sections.